


All I Want for Christmas

by AutumnDreams



Series: All I Want for Christmas [1]
Category: Spooks | MI-5
Genre: Angst, Christmas, Christmas 2012, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Family, Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-19
Updated: 2014-01-19
Packaged: 2018-01-09 08:15:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1143652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutumnDreams/pseuds/AutumnDreams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Back in the technical room, Harry pulled the headphones from his head and dropped them on the desk, his head lolling forward as he exhaled deeply. He'd come too close to losing another agent. Too close indeed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> AN: This was going to be a bunch of shorter chapters but Harry muse, Ruth muse, and I got into a bottle fine red Italian wine and well, not only did we finish it in one evening but we couldn't bear to split it up. This is a bit different than how I normally write so I hope the format works okay.

**Christmas Eve, December 2011**

"Base to Alpha One. Come in Alpha One."

Hands clasped behind his back, Harry slowly paced behind his Security Analyst and Technical Analyst in the small confines of the technical suite. It was Christmas Eve, and unlike years of past, Section D found themselves in pursuit of a would be assassin poised to eliminate the PM on his way out of evening Church Services with his family.

Their intel had been vague. Nothing more than a code name and a list of possible targets. But days of endless field work and research had paid off and they'd finally found the target. With little less than an hour before the deed was the be done. Now all that was left was for the team to stop the assassin.

"Base to Alpha One. Come in Alpha One."

Again the comms remained silent. Lucas was good. There was no doubt about it. But Harry was beginning to worry that something had gone wrong. Stopping behind Tariq, Harry picked up a set of headphones and slid them onto his head.

"Alpha One report." he barked out, his fingers gripping the back of the chair.

"Tariq see if you can pull up CCTV of the last reported location."

The techie tapped into the grid of CCTV in that section of London, bypassing the high levels of security with a few taps of the keyboard. "On it."

Focusing on the headset again, Harry looked at the other monitor and watched as Dmitri moved into place. "Alpha Two do you have a visual on Alpha One?"

"Negative. I'm going to move closer and..." His voice faded out as he stared in shock at the roof top across the street, watching as two people fell over the edge.

One managed to grab the ledge, holding tight as the other plummeted to the concrete below. A sickening crunch of bone hitting ground could be heard and for a moment, Dmitri froze, his eyes wide as he tried to ascertain who it was lying on the ground.

"Alpha Two report!"

Shaking himself from his reprieve, Dmitri ran across the street and stopped next to the body. Hand reaching out, he felt for a pulse and not finding one, turned the head. Letting out a breath, he sank back on his heels and looked up. Seeing Lucas lying on the ledge of the building; no longer dangling four stories above the street; he let out a strangled laugh.

"Target is down. I repeat, Target is down."

"Acknowledged." A moment of quiet followed that before Harry's voice came over the comm again. "And Alpha One?"

"Alpha One is safe."

Back in the technical room, Harry pulled the headphones from his head and dropped them on the desk, his head lolling forward as he exhaled deeply.

He'd come too close to losing another agent.

Too close indeed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Christmas Eve, December 2007**

Stepping into the dimly lit hall, Harry locked the door before crossing to the alarm and arming it. It was late; far later than he'd planned on getting home; and he just wanted to shed his jacket and curl up with his family. When he'd gotten married the year before, he'd promised himself that this time around, he'd be a better husband.

So far he'd done a so so job. He'd remember birthdays and anniversaries, limited the amount of hours spent on the Grid weekly, and had not looked at another woman since she'd agreed to their first dinner date. But there were more nights than he cared to think about that he came home after ten, bone weary and wanting nothing more than to curl up and sleep.

Today was no different. All through the morning and early afternoon, he'd attended meetings ironing out all the details concerning the Queen's Christmas Day outing to Church Services. Positive that nothing would happen to dampen the countries Holiday's, he'd moved onto a full walk through of Parliament, wanting to finish it on Christmas Eve so he could spend his own Christmas Day with his family.

He'd managed it all but at what price?

Hanging his coat on the rack, Harry kicked off his shoes and padded in his socks to the front sitting room. There, a smile filled his face as the tension from the day ran from his body at the sight before him. Walking quietly, he stopped by the couch and stared down at his sleeping wife, their three month old son Jordon lying securely in her arms on her chest.

Next to them Scarlett laid on the floor, her face raised as she watched him closely for a moment before deciding he was safe and went to go back to sleep.

Leaning down, he pressed a light kiss against the soft skin of their son's cheek, the warm smell of baby filling his senses. Lying his hand gently on the cotton covered back of their son, he moved his lips to Ruth's and slowly kissed her awake.


	3. Chapter 3

**Christmas Eve, December 2011**

The evening was chilly as Harry stepped from his SUV, a large bag of gifts clutched in his hands. Door shutting with a soft thump, he stood a moment in the freezing rain and looked up at the house that he'd not lived in for over two years.

When he'd bought it, he'd planned on his two older children visiting on weekends and holidays, of spending time in the back garden kicking the football around or relaxing with a book. He'd thought of children's feet pounding up the stairs as Graham chased his sister as any little brother would.

None of that had come true.

For many years the house had been empty; just housing his lonely self. Then Ruth had moved in. And with her came a new set of dreams. Dreams of a little boy learning to walk across the wooden floors. Of Christmas mornings spent ripping apart paper as he dug for the toy within. Visions of afternoons spent tossing the cricket ball back and forth or building a tree fort in the sturdy oak shading the back.

Some of those dreams had come true. Others had not.

A little boy had learned to walk across the wooden floor. Only he'd missed it. Both times.

Christmas mornings were spent ripping paper from gifts and for two years, he had enjoyed watching.

But no more. Now his family lived in the house. Without him.

Shivering as the cold rain made its way down his collar and along his back, Harry shook his head before making his way up the front walk. Eyes drawn to the glow of the electric candle in the window, he smiled sadly before ringing the bell.

* * *

"Jordon you don't want to put all the Nutcrackers in one place." Younger son held firmly in her arms as she raised him to the top, Ruth looked down at the head of her eldest child and smiled.

"Uh huh. They're an army mummy. They can't protect the tree if they're apart."

Putting a red ball in Dante's hand, Ruth helped him hang it on a branch before lowering him to the floor. She watched for a moment as he toddled to the bin holding all their non-breakable ornaments and pulled out a felt Santa, his eyes going wide as he looked from it to his mum to the tree and back to it.

"Go ahead Dante. You can hang it on the tree."

Grinning at her with small, white teeth, he toddled back to the branches and hung it next to the gold star he'd placed earlier.

Shaking her head, Ruth made her way to the Nutcracker army, her arm wrapping around her son's shoulder for a moment.

"I see what you're saying Jordon, but what about the rest of the tree?"

"What about it mummy?" he asked as his eyes traveled over the large pine tree.

"Well, if all the Nutcrackers are in one spot, who's guarding the rest of the tree and decorations?"

Eyes going wide, Jordon grabbed all but one Nutcracker off the tree and nodded solemnly. "Oh no. I have to move them!"

Ruth kissed his hair before letting him go. She watched as he moved to the back, climbing on the stool she'd put there for him, and hanging the little figures around. Looking back at Dante, she smiled as he plopped on his diapered rump, his lips pulling up in a smile as a silver ball fell from the top of the tree to land in his lap.

"Fidget! Get out of the tree this instant!"

The tree shook a moment, ornaments swaying to and fro before a gray tabby jumped to the ground and slunk to the fire, curling up alongside the dog already resting there.

Eyes drifting around the room, Ruth felt tears well in her eyes and blinked them back. It was the second Christmas since Harry had left and it was in these moments that she missed him the most.

"Mummy! Look!"

Drawn from her sad thoughts, Ruth looked down at the little hand tugging on her pajama bottoms and smiled.

"It's Thomas." she said, watching as Dante nodded his head up and down.

"Thomas go on tree?"

"Yes, you can hanging Thomas on the tree."

She's just about the help him when the doorbell rings. Smiling at the boys, she crosses the room and looks through the peep hole; though she knows who's standing on the other side. Undoing the locks, she opened the door and smiled softly.

"Harry. You made it." Stepping back from the door, she gestured him into the house.

"Hello Ruth." Standing in the entryway, he nodded as he watched her close and lock the door. "I promised you and the boys that I would."

"Let me take that bag." Reaching out, she took the canvas bag and watched as he shrugged out of his soaked coat. "I had no doubt that you'd try but we both know how something can pop up last minute."

"You're right; but tonight is important." Hanging the coat on the coat rack, he turned to her, meeting her eyes briefly before turning towards the sitting room.

Watching him, Ruth set the bag on the floor next to the steps and reached out to rest her hand on his arm. "Have you eaten?"

Turning back to face her, he offered a small smile. "No, not yet. We had an op that ran long. I'll get something at the club though."

"Nonsense. Let me get you some super."

"No, no. I don't want to put you out. Don't worry about it."

"Harry - I'm offering left over tuna sandwiches and crisps; not a steak tartare." Fingers brushing against his arm, she smiled at him. "You go spend some time with the boys and I'll bring you in a sandwich."

Suppressing a smile, Harry nodded briefly before leaning forward and brushing his lips against her cheek. "Thank you Ruth."

Ruth watched as he turned and made his way into the sitting room as her fingers brushed her cheek. With a wistful sigh, she watched him before turning towards the kitchen and mumbling a quiet 'You're welcome'.


	4. Chapter 4

**April 2009**

As she slowly opened her eyes, Ruth was aware of a steady beep, beep, beep coming from beside her. An unfamiliar cracked ceiling rests above her and she wonders briefly where she is. Then the events of the past twenty-four hours comes to her and she sits up gasping, her hands moving to rest against her blanket covered stomach.

"He's still there."

Turning at the quiet voice, Ruth met the weary eyes of her husband. He's slumped in a hard plastic chair next to her bed, suit jacket draped around the back as he looks like he hasn't slept in days.

Sitting up, Harry reached a hand out and took hers in his, gripping it tightly as he watched her a moment.

"You're okay too."

Leaning back against the pillows, Ruth relaxed and turned her hand to grip his. "What about Wilheimsher?" she asked, voice hoarse.

"Dead."

Hearing the anger in his voice, Ruth nodded before looking around the room, a frown settling on her face as she realized their son was missing.

"Where's Jordon?"

Thumb sliding across the back of her hand; being careful to avoid the IV; Harry looked down before answering. "Catherine and Lucas took him home."

"Is he alright?" she asked, pausing as she watched him. "He wasn't hurt? They wouldn't leave me with him."

Harry hesitates as he stares at the blanket.

"Harry?" Fear grips Ruth as she watches him avoid her eyes. "Is our son alright?"

Taking a deep breath, Harry raised his eyes to hers and gripped her hand tightly. "He's okay. It's just that..."

"Just what?"

"His arm. It's broken." he said softly, tears pooling in his eyes. "Wilheimsher broke it before we could get in the room. As a way to prove to me he was serious."

"No!" Eyes meeting his, she saw he wasn't lying and gripped his hand tighter. "This can't happen again. Harry, you need to leave the Service."

Voice deep with regret, he watched her. "Ruth, you know I can't. Not yet. Not so soon after Ros' death."

"What about us? What about your family? Does Ros mean more to you than us?"

"No! How can you even think that?" Pulling her hand to rest over his heart, he spread her fingers and held onto it tightly. "You are the most important thing to me?"

"Then leave. Now. Leave and we'll move somewhere away from all this."

"I...I can't." Voice choking, his eyes pleaded with her.

"Either you leave the Service or I leave you." Fingers curling in his shirt, she held onto him tightly. "It's not just about us anymore. We have Jordon, we have another son on the way. We have to protect them. As their parents, we have to love them more and put their needs and protection before ours while they're so young."

Fingers tightening around hers, Harry doesn't speak but watches her for long moments, his mind lost in thought.

After long minutes of silence, Harry stands and kisses her slowly; deeply; before straightening to brush her hair from her face.

"Will you be alright for tonight if I go home with Jordon?"


	5. Chapter 5

**September 2009**

Hand reaching out from under the sheet, Harry snatches the phone off the nightstand and flips it open without looking.

"What?" he asks, his voice heavy with sleep.

"Harry? I'm sorry. So sorry...but it's time."

Pushing himself up, Harry blinked before looking around the lifeless bedroom. "Time?"

"For the baby." Breath deepening, Ruth paused a moment before continuing. "I'm in labor."

Sleepwebs gone, Harry pushed the sheet aside and swung his legs to the floor. "I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

Hanging up the phone, he stood and pulled on the pair of kakis he'd shed earlier in the evening and a polo shirt. Running a hand through his sleep tasseled hair, Harry grabbed his phone before walking through the cold apartment. Stopping at the door to slide his feet into a pair of shoes and grab his keys, his eyes settle on the only personal item in the entire place; a picture of Ruth and their son. Brushing his fingers over their faces, he turns and leaves.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Christmas Eve, December 2011**

Plate on his knees, Harry watched as Ruth and their sons finished decorating the Christmas tree. How many nights had he sat alone in his office or at his club wishing he had this to come home too?

It had been the most difficult decision of his life; deciding to leave Ruth and their son that April long ago. But it had been the right decision; the only one he could make.

Without him in their lives, Ruth and the boys were safe; well safer; than if he was with them. The fear of being kidnapped was less. And Ruth worked less hours in the Home Office than she ever had while on the Grid. The boys had at least one parent always there for them.

And it wasn't like he didn't get to see them.

Smiling as Dante tried to climb his mother's leg, Harry stood, plate in his hand. Fingers brushing over Jordon's hair, he carefully made his way through the boxes and tissue paper littering the floor and took his plate to the kitchen. Rinsing it, he placed it in the dishwasher before making his way back to the sitting room.

Stopping in the doorway, he watched Ruth lower Dante to the floor, an Angel haphazardly set on top of the tree. Clapping his hands Dante looked up at his mother and grinned.

Looking around the tree, Jordon saw his father standing in the door. Jumping from his stool, he raced across the room, threw his arms around his father's knees and looked up, a wide grin on his face. Feeling his father wrap his arm around his shoulders, Jordon laughed.

"Will you read me a story daddy?"

Fingers brushing through light brown hair, Harry nodded with a smile. "Of course. Go pick out the book."

Racing to the bookshelf on the far wall, Jordon slowly ran his finger over the spines, his lips moving as he sounded out the titles slowly.

Settling onto the couch, Harry watched as Dante toddled over to him, thumb in his mouth. Waiting a minute, he watched as the two year old gripped the edge of the cushion and tried to pull himself up. Pouting as he failed to do so, Dante smacked his hands on his dad's knee and grinned.

"Up daddy!"

Leaning over, Harry pulled the small boy into his lap. Kissing his hair, he held him close for a minute, his eyes closing as he breathed in his sons scent. Feeling the cushion sink, Harry opened his eyes and looked at his other son, large leather bound book held in his hands, as he curls up next to him.

"Can you read the one we saw on TV last week with Mickey? The one with Ghosts?"

"A Christmas Carol?" he asked softly, his eyes looking towards Ruth for confirmation.

Nodding, Ruth set the tissue paper she had been folding on top of the crate and sat on the edge of the arm chair.

"Dante, Jordon - why don't you open your gifts from daddy first? Before he reads to you?"

"No Ruth. It's alright." Shifting Dante in his lap, Harry opened the large book and flipped through the pages. "They can open them with you in the morning."

"Harry..."

Looking up, he forced a smile on his face. "Please Ruth?"


	7. Chapter 7

**Christmas Eve, December 2011 - Twenty Minutes Later**

"And yet," said Scrooge, "you don't think me ill-used, when I pay a day's wages for no work."

Pausing, Harry looked down from the book and smiled as both boys rested against him, their eyes closed and breathing soft. Slowly closing the book, he set it on the arm of the chair and brushed his fingers through their wistfully before lifting his eyes to look for Ruth. Finding her curled in the chair next to him, he wished; not for the first time that night; that things could be different.

"I'll take them up to bed for you." he said, his voice a whisper.

Standing, Ruth moved to him and carefully lifted their younger son into her arms. Lying his head against her shoulder, she held him against her as she stepped back.

Sliding his arms around Jordon, Harry stood and pulled the boy into his arms. Resting him against him like Ruth held their youngest, he followed her up the stairs slowly. Walking into the first room at the top of the stairs, he pulled the blankets down and laid the boy down. Covering him, he brushed his lips against his forehead.

"I love you Jordon." he whispered softly, his fingers linger on his cheek for a moment.

Across the hall Ruth was tucking Dante into his own bed, her fingers brushing his hair out of his eyes. Leaning down, she kissed his cheek before straightening and moving back into the hall. Pulling the door shut, she found Harry standing there waiting for her.

"Let me help you put their gifts under the tree." he whispered as they moved towards her room.

"You don't have to." she whispered back, stepping into the darken room. "I'm sure you have things to do."

Flipping the light switch, he paused in the doorway and watched as she crossed to his old wardrobe. Crossing to stand behind her, he placed his hand on her shoulder.

"Nothing as important as our sons Christmas."

* * *

Putting the last of the gifts on her bed, Ruth sighed, and for a moment pretended that everything was alright. That Harry still lived with them. That they were a proper little family enjoying a normal Christmas. That now that all but a few gifts were under the tree, she and Harry would slowly undress and crawl between the sheets, making quiet love before falling into a blissful sleep.

But they weren't.

Tears filling her eyes, Ruth brushed them away and turned as Harry stepped into the room.

Avoiding her eyes, Harry gestured towards the last of the gifts. "I'll take them down for you. Set them under the tree before I leave."

Turning towards him, she watched as he stopped next to her. Lying her hand on his arm, she moved closer. "Harry - please. The boys miss you. I miss you."

Not looking up, Harry spoke quietly. "I miss all of you too."

"Then come home."

Lifting his head, Harry turned to her and let his hand caress her cheek. Leaning forward, he softly kissed her before stepping back. "I can't. I love you all too much."

Turning back to the bed, he picked up the last of the gifts and crossed to the door. Stopping, he turned around and smiled sadly. "Merry Christmas Ruth. I'll lock up on my way out."

"Harry please..."

"Good night Ruth."

With that, he turned and walked away.

Sinking onto the bed, Ruth listened to the sounds of him moving around downstairs. As the door shut a few minutes later, she let go of the tears she was holding back and turned, curling onto the bed as sobs raked through her body.


	8. Chapter 8

**Christmas Morning, December 2011**

The sun had not risen yet as a little boy slid out of bed. Crossing to his door, he slowly opened it and looked out into the hall. Eyes adjusting to the early morning light, he grinned as he made his way across the hall and into his little brother's room. Shaking him awake, he gripped his hand and led him into their mother's room.

"Mummy!" Running across the room, both clamored onto the bed. "Mummy! Wake up! It's Christmas!"

Eyes opening, Ruth turned and looked at the two boys jumping up and down next to her. Smiling, she reached out and grabbed them, yanking them down to her. Cuddling them against her, she laughed as they both kissed her and curled against her side for a moment.

Letting them go as they tried to wiggle free, she sat up and smiled at their enthusiasm.

"What's gotten you so excited?" she asked, leaning back against the headboard.

"It's Christmas Mummy!"

"It is?" she asked, feigning ignorance. "What does that mean?"

Jumping up and down, Jordon grinned at her. "Presents! For me and Dante."

"Really?"

"Yes! Come on. Let's go open them!" Grabbing her hand, he tried to pull her from the bed.

Laughing, she climbed from the bed and watched as he rushed towards the door. "Don't go downstairs yet Jordon. Let me get your brother."

Turning back to the bed, she lifted the smaller boy into her arms and smiled as he cuddled into her, his thumb going into his mouth as he rested his head against her neck. Padding across the room, she stopped at the top of the stairs and smiled at her other son, his hair sticking up from his pillow.

"Now, walk slowly. And hold the railing."

Watching as he reached out to grip the wood, she slowly followed him down the stairs, wishing again that Harry was there with them. As they reached the bottom, she moved towards the sitting room, Dante squirming in her arms to get down. Stopping in the doorway, she lowered him to the floor, holding onto him as she waited for him to get his balance.

"Daddy!"

Hearing Jordon yell in happiness, Ruth lifted her head and stared at the person slumped on the couch. Fear gripped her as he didn't budge at the shout.  _God please let him be alright._  she prayed silently, moving to stop Jordon from jumping on him in case something was wrong.

Not moving fast enough, she watched as their son jumped into his lap, Dante toddling not far behind to throw his arms around his legs.

Waking as the air leaves his chest, Harry wraps his arms tightly around the squirming bundle in his arms and looks around. Blinking he tries to remember where he is and as the tiny arms squeeze his neck tightly, he remembers. Shifting Jordon to one arm, he reaches down and pulls Dante into his other, hugging both of them to him tightly.

"Merry Christmas." he says softly, his eyes moving from one boy to the other.

"Merry Christmas Daddy!" they both say before pushing out of his arms.

He watches as they turn and stare at the tree, their eyes going wide at the piles of gifts under them. Slowing standing, he rolls his neck and shoulders, trying to loosen the tight muscles before looking at Ruth. Crossing to her, he stopped a short distance from her and offered a small smile.

"What are you still doing here?" she asked quietly, her eyes not leaving his.

Smile falling, Harry turned to look at the boys before looking down. "I'll leave." he whispers, heart breaking.

"NO!" Hand reaching out, she gripped his arm tightly to stop him. "I don't want you too. Not at all. But I thought that's what you wanted."

"I can't do it anymore." Eyes looking down at her hand on his arm, he slowly lifted his hand and rested it on hers. Lifting his gaze, his eyes filled with tears as he met her eyes. "Every time I leave you three, it feels like my heart is breaking a little bit more. It hurts so much. I made it halfway down the front walk before I realized it was too hard. That I've been an idiot."

Fighting back her own tears, Ruth took a step forward. "What are you saying?"

"I want to come home. If you'll let me."

Fighting back a sob, Ruth nodded as she moved closer. "Of course you can."

Reaching out, Harry wrapped his arms around her and pulled her the rest of the distance to him, burying his face in her hair as he fought back his own sobs. Holding her tightly, he closed his eyes. "I'm so sorry."

"I'm sorry too."

Not knowing how long they stood there, Harry kissed her hair and lifted his head as small hands pulled on his shirt. Looking down, he smiled.

"Daddy, are you coming home?"

"Yes Jordon, I am. If that's alright with you?"

Nodding, Jordon wrapped his arms around both their legs and smiled up at them. "Yes! Are you coming home today?"

Turning to look at Ruth, Harry raised his eyebrow in question. Nodding, Ruth looked down into miniature hazel eyes and smiled. "Yes he is."

Grinning, Jordon let them go. "Santa really is real. I asked him for mummy and daddy to live together again and he did it."

Hugging their legs one more time, he turned back to the tree. "Next year I'll have to ask for a baby sister."

With that, he ran across the room and sat next to his little brother amid the mountain of gifts.

Pulling back, Ruth stares at the back of her sons head before lifting her eyes to Harry's, shock on her face.

Surprised, Harry looks at Jordon for a moment before a grin settles on his face and he turns to Ruth. Kissing her slowly, he whispered between kisses, "That's one gift I won't mind working on."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: And that's all for this story. I hope the ending wasn't too fluffy, and that you'll leave a review or two to let me know what you thought. =0)


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